Last Breath

Tonight, a long time friend of 17 years died. She was only 30, my exact age. She died of the same rare and agressive cancer that killed my father. The notification went out via Facebook, so details are slim. I wonder how her last few days, hours, breaths on earth were. I wonder what her parting words were, or if she was able to speak at all.

I have an all too real remembrance of what dying and death look like. Amidst the great final struggle for breath, the last gesture my father pursued was to raise up a hand-carved wooden cross toward heaven. The last thing my dad said to me, the very last time he spoke, he said "You are so beautiful." I cherish those words like precious myrrh soothing the sorrow of my soul.

It pains me to think that, 90 days later, while I was watching PBS movie theatre classic, while my biggest concern was making the perfect batch of stove-top popcorn, while prayer was far from my lips, Shohrae was dying. It is jarring to be so absorbed in the shallowness of one's own surreal existence, and then be flung back into the one all defining reality; that ready or not, death comes to us all. I know this truth, I know it well, and yet how quickly I forget. It is no discriminator of persons. It does not come at a convenient time. Young, old, all die.

What will i be caught doing or saying when that great and sacred hour visits me?

There is a prayer that I pray almost every day. Today, it couldn't be prayed with more fervor:

. . .O God, my God, I plead with You for many and great things; do not disregard me. Do not cast me away from Your presence because of my presumption and boldness, but by the power of Your love lead me in the path of Your will. Grant me to love You as You have commanded, with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind, and with all my strength; with my whole being. For You alone are the holy protection and all powerful defender of my life, and to You I ascribe glory and offer this prayer. Grant me to know Your truth before I depart this life. Maintain my life in this world until I may offer You true repentance. Do not take me away in the midst of my days, but when You are pleased to bring my life to an end, forewarn me of my death so that I may prepare my soul to come before You. Be with me then, O Lord, on my great and sacred day, and grant me the joy of Your salvation. Cleanse me from manifest and secret sins, from all iniquity hidden in me, and give me a right answer before Your judgement seat. Amen.
-- Prayer at Daybreak of Elder Sophrony