I've been silent on here for quite sometime. With the advent of Lent, it seems appropriate to keep it so, except that I am driving myself (husband, sister, friends and anyone else who I can get to listen to me) crazy with my fretting over the naming of our child. So I thought I should break the silence, and blog a bit to quench the crazy in me!
When we found out a few weeks back that we are expecting a girl, I was completely and utterly shocked. "Exactly how sure is 'pretty sure'?" I asked Ben upon departing from the sonographer. "Sure enough to type 'It's a girl!' onto the sonograph paper" said Ben, crushing my tiny little glimmer of hope that sheer maternal will could defy anatomical science; I was sure it was a boy.
To clarify, I'm not disappointed, just freaked out. I mean, I always pictured myself raising a herd of boys. When Eden was born, I thought she was going to be my token girl. But to my surprise, in our gene pool, the females just keep coming! I'm genuinely concerned about what I am going to do with all that estrogen and drama from here on out.
Boys are simple souls with simple needs; they love their mama and like to shoot bad guys. Girls on the other hand, are fragile and complicated. Don't get me wrong, I love my girls. I'm just intimidated about rearing three of them. It's not disappointment, it's plain fear.
Earlier in the pregnancy (when I was carrying our pre-named boy, Ezra Benjamin), I was drawn to an early 12th century icon of the Annunciation, a depiction of Mary's exchange with Gabriel. I have been comforted by this image since then, the icon seemingly bearing this pregnancy along with me as it rests at our prayer corner.
Yesterday was the Feast of the Annunciation, so I was able to hear the story afresh, read aloud from the book of Luke last night at liturgy:
26Now in the sixth month, the archangel Gabriel was sent from God to a city of Galilee, named Nazareth, 27to a virgin pledged to be married to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. The virgin's name was Mary. 28Having come in, the angel said to her, "Rejoice, you highly favored one! The Lord is with you. Blessed are you among women!" 29But when she saw him, she was greatly troubled at the saying, and considered what kind of salutation this might be. 30The angel said to her, "Don’t be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. 31Behold, you will conceive in your womb, and bring forth a son, and will call his name ‘Jesus.’ 32He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father, David, 33and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever. There will be no end to his Kingdom." 34Mary said to the angel, "How can this be, seeing I am a virgin?" 35The angel answered her, "The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. Therefore also the holy one who is born from you will be called the Son of God. 36Behold, Elizabeth, your relative, also has conceived a son in her old age; and this is the sixth month with her who was called barren. 37For everything spoken by God is possible." 38Mary said, "Behold, the handmaid of the Lord; be it to me according to your word." The angel departed from her.
While we may not have been granted the gender we desired, who am I to claim I know what's best for my life, for my family? Oh to have the faith of Mary to say let it be as You have said
. . .and Oh to have a word from an angel of the Lord about a name!
Which leads me to the true predicament I am in right now. Okay, so I still have some time, but nonetheless I feel pressed to establish and then settle into a name for this child. Anyone who knows me well knows I love names. One of my favorite blogs is www.youcantcallitit.com because I love to have an excuse to think about names, even when I'm not personally responsible for naming someone. It's fun.
Or at least it was until now.
We didn't set out with the grand plan of having alliterative names (Emmanuel, Eden, & Evangeline). We certainly didn't set out with the intention of naming all our children within a Christian theme, or giving all of them middle names that signify both a saint and a family member (James, Elisabeth & Ruth, respectively). It all evolved very organically, until we are now surprised to be sricken with these specific naming parameters, which are majorly hindering our ability to pick a name.
Out of sheer exhaustion, my husband waved the white flag yesterday, saying "Name the child whatever you want!" My open-endedness is driving his hyper-closed-endedness into insanity. So a decision simply must be made. I can't keep floating names forever, or else my ever-anchored hubby is going to sign-off on a name like Holy Lunatic with great elation and relief just to end the revolving conversation and save me from floating off into the vast naming ocean alone.
Thanks be to God, last night at liturgy a name came to me. (This may be as close as I am going to get to angelic proclamation). Perhaps it had been there all along without me even knowing it: Gabriella.
And what do you know, we could call her Ella (or Ellie) for short, so she'd be sure to fit in with all those E's! Although it isn't a name that initially caught my eye, what makes it beautiful to me is that it was the name my father wanted to name me. He loved this name. Additionally, naming my daughter after an archangel gives me comfort - narrowing the seeming divide between the here and now and the there and then. As St. Seraphim of Sarov explains, "The goal of our life is to return to the bosom of our Heavenly Father, in order that we, the men of this earth, may become as the angels, who are guided by the Holy Spirit." But regardless of who we end up with come June (after all, the sonographer was only "pretty sure"!), may we be ever thankful for the life He miraculously conceives, and ever ready to accept God's will and let Him have His way in us.
"May it be to me according to Your Word."
