valley of the shaddow

a birth. a death. and i am in the waiting room. knowing not which will happen first.
the day i was born, my dad had to call his father-in-law to let him know that he had gained a grandchild, and lost his father. i’ve heard that story many times, and only now am beginning to comprehend that kind of double portioned serving of life’s banquet table - birth and death.
my dad has been valiantly fighting stage 4 cancer for 18 months. along the way, many miracles of soul and body have taken place. now, the cancer creeps in closer still, seeping into vital organs, bones, blood. raging, unstoppable to even the sharpest lazer, the most agressive treatment . now my dad lies unable to resist the principles of mortality, his physical reminder that the end is near; even pain killers can’t kill this kind of pain.
St. John of Kronstadt writes, “The life of man on earth is a gradual daily dying. . .Therefore, if our body is continually wasted, and visibly approaches its end, let us despise it as transient, and care with all our strength for the immortal soul. the body is a faithless, fleeting friend.” if he has any strength at all, it cannot come from the security he once found in his flesh. It can only come from vitality of soul. and it does. He is glorifying God in his body, though frail and slain by cancer.
Here I am now, 38 weeks pregnant and feeling it a drudgery. I complain, I whine, I’m short tempered due to my “condition”. It is a daily struggle for me to get out of bed, to dress myself, to move as I am used to. I feel aged from excessive weight gain and tormented from lack of sleep. Yet inside of me is life! how shameful for me to liken my physical suffering to my dads. while his body is dying, he is giving glory to God. while my body is creating life, I am dishonoring God’s goodness.
for both my dad and I, the battle is a spiritual one. without knowing, we can both choose to wait on the Lord for his peace and rest, come what may. “Come to me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” This is what my dad has chosen. Now it is up to me.
Lord grant me the strength of soul when my body is weak.